Friday, April 1, 2011

The Big Weigh-In

Wasn't so big, ackshully. (If you ever notice me spelling things completely wrong and you wonder what's wrong with me, it's just me lapsing into LOLspeak. See for an explanation of why I do that. Apparently, somewhere in my brain, I think I'm a cat.) I made it to my first Weight Watchers meeting bright and early this morning, and hopped on the scale all prepared to see a nice big number up there. (It happens on the Biggest Loser. Not so much in real life. Bummer.) The perky girl behind the counter said, "Great job, Jennifer. You lost 1.4 pounds."

Huh? 1.4 pounds? Please let this be an April Fools' joke.

I was expecting at least a 5 or 6 pound weight loss. 1.4 pounds. I know I should be thrilled at any loss, but I really was expecting to lose more. Now, I know most of the people on those shows throw up huge numbers that first week because they lose all of their water weight and I am not carrying any since I'm on a water pill for my high blood pressure. (Seriously, I pee every 20 minutes. If I didn't know better I'd swear I was pregnant.) So the weight that came off was purely weight and not just a gallon of water. But still. Boo.

Then I started thinking about my eating this week. Uh oh. Accountability time. I'm guessing the tater tots with cheese and bacon I had last night didn't help. (Don't you judge me. Don't you dare!) Or the Krispy Kreme donuts and pizza I had when I was out with my mom yesterday. (Side note: my mother is the devil. The donuts and pizza were her idea.) Okay, maybe that bag of baked Cheetos should have lasted more than 3 days. Oh boy. Things are adding up here. And I just remembered that I haven't been to the gym since Monday and here it is Friday already. So let's see...eating crap I have no business eating + no gym time = 1.4 lb weight loss.


I'm a genius. You may now bow to my superior powers of deductive reasoning. Eating crap will hinder weight loss. (You're thanking me for enlightening you to that little-known secret of weight loss, I know.) Not moving my chunky bottom will also not encourage the pounds to just slide off. (Seriously, I'm a fount of knowledge today. Soak it up, folks.) I could have declined to join my mother (the devil) in the indulging of Krispy Kremes. I could have only had ONE donut. I did NOT need to have two. (Though my mother [the devil] was disappointed that I didn't go into that box for a third because she didn't want to eat one more if I didn't eat one more. See? She really is the devil.) I could have opted for a salad at lunch instead of the pizza. This whole "going out with people" thing is harder than I realized. Especially my mom. See, the problem is that she is just getting over losing a bunch of weight from chemo, and she needs to GAIN weight back. And I'm a big fat fatty who weighs more than TWICE what she does (oh please, just kill me now) who is trying to LOSE weight. We're like Peter Pumpkin Eater and his wife. Or something like that. I need to find a compromise that allows me to make healthier choices for myself while still letting everybody else choose what they want. So next time we're Krispy Kremes or pizza for me. Mom can chow down on whatever she wants. Me, I will follow the wise words of former first lady Nancy Reagan and just say "NO!"

So, okay, I'm learning a lot. And it's a process. And I can't undo all of the bad stuff I've done over the past 15 years in a week. And I probably need to ease up on myself. Baby steps. Gotta take baby steps. (I totally am hearing Bill Murray's voice from "What About Bob?" in my head saying, "Baby step to the refrigerator. Baby steps to the table. Baby steps to the scale." Ignore me. I'm sick and obviously have a fever and delirium.) I'm still going to do this. And I'm doing it for myself. Did you hear me? For MYSELF. Yeah, other people will benefit from it, but it's for me first and foremost. I deserve it and I'm worth it. Plus I wanna rock a killer body as I turn 40 and show everybody that 40 is the new 25 and all those little 18-year old Barbie dolls at the gym can suck it .

And now...a banana, some ibuprofen, and a nap. I'm pretty sure nothing I wrote makes sense outside of my head. Just humor me today, would ya? The congestion is blocking my brain waves. Yeah, that's the ticket. It's the congestion.


  1. A banana, ibuprofen, and a nap? Wow, you really know how to party! Still, 1.4 lbs is good for one week. Do you need me to nag you via text? Cos I will!

  2. You need to OWN those 1.4 pounds!!!! You lost weight and I for one am VERY proud of you!!!
    Now please enjoy your nap and sleep an extra 10 minutes for me Please :)

  3. You crack me up!!! Be proud of that 1.4!!!

  4. U pwned that 1.4 loss!!! Dayuhm, Girlfriend... not many peoples can eat crap and skip gym and still lose so you must be doing something right... You ROCK, beautiful lady!!!